Category: Encouraging Stories

Lessons Learned in the Fetal Position – Lesson No. 1

by chandralaframboise, posted in Emotional/Spiritual Recovery, Encouraging Stories

At this time of year, when we, in the Northern Hemisphere experience the shortest day of the year, the Winter Solstice, the beginning of winter, I’m often reminded of one of the first lessons I learned about myself from the worst experience of my life. On the day when we experience the most darkness, we also recognize that we’ve turned a corner, so to speak. The days begin to get longer. Every day, we get a little bit more daylight, imperceptibly at first, but by February, it’s noticeable. One day in February, we wake up and realize it doesn’t feel like we’re living in darkness all the time anymore. And we realize the long sunny summer days are coming again and will be here soon enough.

The months that followed my first husband’s abandonment of myself and my children were dark days. I remember the fear and hopelessness I felt. The loss of identify, the loss of my story, my past, my future, my present. What did anything mean? I couldn’t get out of bed some mornings, but most days, I did. I plodded along, trying to make sense of the bomb that had hit my life. Mostly I stayed in the game and kept getting up and going through the daily motions of life, formulating and working a plan to deal with all the fallout that kept revealing itself. I carried on for my children. My four innocent children who needed me. They needed me to figure things out, to stay strong and to be brave. Things were grim. There were financial concerns; I had a house to sell and it wasn’t going well. My soon-to-be ex-husband wanted to make some money off the house even though we had barely moved in before he ran off with the other woman. He refused to lower the price so that it would just sell, and I could see into the future; I could see that if I couldn’t sell it by the time I moved to another city to take the engineering job waiting for me at the end of the children’s school year, we were going to lose the house altogether. This was only one of many problems.

I felt mostly dead inside for those months. I never clearly formulated the thought, but deep down, I wasn’t sure if I believed I would ever have a reason to feel joy again; I didn’t know when or if I would laugh again – I mean really laugh because of the lighter side of life. I wasn’t sure if I would ever know that again, or feel that again. Ease, peace, a sense of calm and surety about my life. Were those things available to me anymore? I didn’t even know. I had never been in such a dark place or for so long. I didn’t know if a light at the end of the tunnel even existed for a tunnel this deep, dark and long.

Then, one day, I was in the kitchen with my four year old girl. She was so cute and little and I tried every day just to try to be the relaxed easy going reassuring mom I knew she would need. I tried to make things as normal for my kids as I could. We kept on with the visits to the park, walking the dog together on Sundays, making crafts and cookies, music lessons and sports activities. I was really trying to keep things normal for all my children. So, this one afternoon, my littlest came into the kitchen while I was working in there, and I had just dried my hands. And out of the blue, I grabbed her and just started a tickle fight with her right there on the kitchen floor. It was unexpected, unplanned, spontaneous and so “normal”. I did it hoping to make her smile, to make her giggle and to bring a bit of enjoyment into her young life. I did it so she could feel her mom’s attention and interest in playing with her, being with her, getting on her level. But something amazing happened to me in that moment, as I was on the floor with her, listening to her little peels of laughter rising like weightless, shiny bubbles, floating on the air. I had this intense moment of joy course through me, caught up with her in the fun of the moment. I felt a hope, a glimmer, really, that a light somewhere at the end of the dark tunnel I felt myself in could exist. For the first time since my husband had left and I had discovered the heart wrenching emails between him and his affair partner and felt the sting of the de-humanizing ways they talked about me to justify their actions, I considered and even believed that I would find joy again. In that moment, I learned the first and most important lesson about myself of many that would follow – I understood that no matter how dark things felt, I was going to find myself and my joy again someday; that I was capable of finding joy and love again. I believed for the first time that I wasn’t going to have to spend the rest of my life in that dark place. The sun was returning.

And just like that day in February, that first day each winter after driving to work and home in the pitch dark every day for months, when suddenly it seems, the sun lasts long enough to see the sun go down on the way home, and you remember that summer and sunshine are not too far off. 

Sharing My Story

by chandralaframboise, posted in Encouraging Stories

(Scroll down for the podcast links)

“Talking about painful events doesn’t necessarily establish community-often quite the contrary. Families and organizations may reject members who air dirty laundry; friends and family can lose patience with people who get stuck in their grief or hurt. This is one reason why trauma victims often withdraw and why their stories become rote narratives, edited into a form least likely to provoke rejection. It is an enormous challenge to find safe places to express the pain of trauma, which is why survivor groups…and support groups can be so critical. Finding a responsive community in which to tell your truth makes recovery possible.” – Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, M.D., The Body Keeps the Score

In February 2022, I shared my complete betrayal trauma story, start to finish, on the btr.org podcast. My podcast interview came out in a four-part series, beginning in September 2022.

Publicly sharing my story was probably one of the scariest experiences of my life. Normally, I’m a very private person and based on the kinds of reactions I’d received from those around me after years of emotional abuse ended in betrayal and abandonment, I understand that I may not be believed, I may even be blamed and rejected for speaking my truth as I understand it, and as I’ve been able to articulate it.

I’ve experienced rejection, dismissiveness, blame, criticism and more over the 15 years since my first husband’s actions culminated in the most traumatic experience of my life and probably the lives of our four children. All in response to my attempts to share what had happened and get the help I needed to heal, and often from individuals that I assumed would respond with compassion and caring.

When I found the Betrayal Trauma Recovery podcast in the fall of 2021, I realized I had stumbled on something I’d been unable to find for over 15 years. A safe place to hear my own trauma described in ways that resonated and made sense to me, in contexts I had not heard anywhere else. I listened to many other women’s stories of betrayal trauma and emotional abuse and found the common threads that ran through my own story. I burned through the entire 5 years of podcast episodes, listening constantly, then listened to the everything a second time, start to finish. It was like learning how to speak for the first time, finding the words and ideas that adequately described my own experience.

In finding the BTR community, a responsive community where I could speak my own truth and hear the truth of others, as Dr. Van der Kolk says in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, emotional recovery became possible. I’m still working on it, but at least finally, true healing has begun. The decision to add my voice to the many others was partly a way to continue my own healing process, but what helped me overcome my fear the most was the belief that my story could help someone else – I hope it can.

I’m so grateful for the opportunity to share my story and would encourage any woman that has been through betrayal trauma to find a way, when she is ready, to stand up and add her voice and strength to others who have spoken up. The more we shine a light on the issues of emotional abuse and betrayal trauma in intimate relationships, the sooner more women can find their way out and through.

A special note: In speaking out, I did my best to leave out identifying details about family members and others that were close to the situations described, however, I was also not trying to hide my identity – for me, this is part of speaking my truth. Some of the interviewer’s questions brought out sensitive details of the story intended to provide context and clarity, not to cause any undue harm. If any part of my story causes anyone harm or pain, this was not my intent and I’m sorry. The entire experience has caused enormous suffering to everyone touched by it, and the sharing of my story is an attempt to foster healing and recovery, not to cause more pain.

This is How Abusers Control the Narrative
Abandonment: What You Need to Know
Abusive Second Marriage? You’re Not Alone
Is Healthy Marriage a Myth?

Jaw-Dropping…A Wife’s Dream Outcome

by chandralaframboise, posted in Encouraging Stories
https://tim.blog/2022/04/19/terry-crews-2/

I had to pick my jaw up off the floor of my car while listening to Terry Crews tell Tim Ferriss the story of how he nearly lost his marriage. Why was my jaw on the floor? Because I’ve been married to two men with similar problems to the ones Terry Crews and his wife were struggling over; and separation was not the catalyst that led to my ex-husbands finally taking a serious look at their behaviour. Not even close (they never did as far as I know). I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure it’s a RARE occurrence when a man, that is lying to his wife and using porn or other forms of extra-marital sexual behaviours without the wife’s agreement, will actually admit to himself that HE is the problem in the marriage (instead of blaming his wife).

Crews’ honest assessment of himself led to recognition of how twisted his thinking had become. When they’d initially split up, he’d blamed her. He was frustrated that she wasn’t believing his lies; but he was able to recognized how screwed up that really was – to think she was the problem because she had this persistent feeling he was not telling her everything, and she wouldn’t believe him when he was lying to her. (Wow! How uncooperative of her!)

In the interview with Ferriss, he also described how he had fooled himself into believing he was respectful towards his wife and women in general, when in fact, on closer inspection of himself in the mirror, he could recall specific examples of his language and behaviour that were clear evidence of the opposite. He was able to admit that he had objectified women in his behaviour and thought patterns, that he had betrayed his wife and then tried to hide his actions from her behind lies and manipulation.

When they first separated, he’d convinced himself that he really didn’t care if their relationship ended. I wish I knew what made him change his mind. I would have given anything for my first husband to make the kinds of changes Mr. Crews made when he recognized that losing his wife and family really did matter and that they were both worth fighting for, whatever changes he needed to make.

Very refreshing. But, sadly, all too uncommon. But still…it gave me some hope – for other women struggling in marriages to men who betray them and lie to them. Maybe men who respect and admire Terry Crews will hear in his vulnerability, his introspection, confessions and self-exploration, that this is where the real men are found – fighting for their relationships and their families, doing the heavy lifting that’s required sometimes. That’s what real heroes do, they fight their own inner dragons when they rear their ugly heads. Kudos to Mr. Crews.

Introductions

by chandralaframboise, posted in Emancipation Encouragement, Encouraging Stories

Hi, my name is Chandra. I started this website to help women like you and me. Women who feel alone and are just trying to figure it out. Women who find themselves in committed, monogamous relationships that hurt, that are confusing, that don’t feel right and that have either ended because of betrayal and/or abandonment or might be headed in that direction.

After a harrowing journey through two marriages that failed because of betrayal, lies, manipulation, gaslighting (ie. emotional and psychological abuse) and porn addiction, I broke free from the cycle of betrayal and abuse in my intimate relationships and have become my own Shero.

In practicing radical self-care, and relentlessly pursuing and believing in my own happy, peaceful, beautiful life, I emancipated myself from bad relationships and if I can do it, I know you can too.

This betrayal recovery lifestyle blog is the supportive friend or family member I needed, but did not always have on my journey of recovery. If you are need of a friend and cheerleader to walk with as you become the Shero of your own story, I’m here for you.