I had to pick my jaw up off the floor of my car while listening to Terry Crews tell Tim Ferriss the story of how he nearly lost his marriage. Why was my jaw on the floor? Because I’ve been married to two men with similar problems to the ones Terry Crews and his wife were struggling over; and separation was not the catalyst that led to my ex-husbands finally taking a serious look at their behaviour. Not even close (they never did as far as I know). I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure it’s a RARE occurrence when a man, that is lying to his wife and using porn or other forms of extra-marital sexual behaviours without the wife’s agreement, will actually admit to himself that HE is the problem in the marriage (instead of blaming his wife).
Crews’ honest assessment of himself led to recognition of how twisted his thinking had become. When they’d initially split up, he’d blamed her. He was frustrated that she wasn’t believing his lies; but he was able to recognized how screwed up that really was – to think she was the problem because she had this persistent feeling he was not telling her everything, and she wouldn’t believe him when he was lying to her. (Wow! How uncooperative of her!)
In the interview with Ferriss, he also described how he had fooled himself into believing he was respectful towards his wife and women in general, when in fact, on closer inspection of himself in the mirror, he could recall specific examples of his language and behaviour that were clear evidence of the opposite. He was able to admit that he had objectified women in his behaviour and thought patterns, that he had betrayed his wife and then tried to hide his actions from her behind lies and manipulation.
When they first separated, he’d convinced himself that he really didn’t care if their relationship ended. I wish I knew what made him change his mind. I would have given anything for my first husband to make the kinds of changes Mr. Crews made when he recognized that losing his wife and family really did matter and that they were both worth fighting for, whatever changes he needed to make.
Very refreshing. But, sadly, all too uncommon. But still…it gave me some hope – for other women struggling in marriages to men who betray them and lie to them. Maybe men who respect and admire Terry Crews will hear in his vulnerability, his introspection, confessions and self-exploration, that this is where the real men are found – fighting for their relationships and their families, doing the heavy lifting that’s required sometimes. That’s what real heroes do, they fight their own inner dragons when they rear their ugly heads. Kudos to Mr. Crews.
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