(Scroll down for the podcast links)
“Talking about painful events doesn’t necessarily establish community-often quite the contrary. Families and organizations may reject members who air dirty laundry; friends and family can lose patience with people who get stuck in their grief or hurt. This is one reason why trauma victims often withdraw and why their stories become rote narratives, edited into a form least likely to provoke rejection. It is an enormous challenge to find safe places to express the pain of trauma, which is why survivor groups…and support groups can be so critical. Finding a responsive community in which to tell your truth makes recovery possible.” – Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, M.D., The Body Keeps the Score
In February 2022, I shared my complete betrayal trauma story, start to finish, on the btr.org podcast. My podcast interview came out in a four-part series, beginning in September 2022.
Publicly sharing my story was probably one of the scariest experiences of my life. Normally, I’m a very private person and based on the kinds of reactions I’d received from those around me after years of emotional abuse ended in betrayal and abandonment, I understand that I may not be believed, I may even be blamed and rejected for speaking my truth as I understand it, and as I’ve been able to articulate it.
I’ve experienced rejection, dismissiveness, blame, criticism and more over the 15 years since my first husband’s actions culminated in the most traumatic experience of my life and probably the lives of our four children. All in response to my attempts to share what had happened and get the help I needed to heal, and often from individuals that I assumed would respond with compassion and caring.
When I found the Betrayal Trauma Recovery podcast in the fall of 2021, I realized I had stumbled on something I’d been unable to find for over 15 years. A safe place to hear my own trauma described in ways that resonated and made sense to me, in contexts I had not heard anywhere else. I listened to many other women’s stories of betrayal trauma and emotional abuse and found the common threads that ran through my own story. I burned through the entire 5 years of podcast episodes, listening constantly, then listened to the everything a second time, start to finish. It was like learning how to speak for the first time, finding the words and ideas that adequately described my own experience.
In finding the BTR community, a responsive community where I could speak my own truth and hear the truth of others, as Dr. Van der Kolk says in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, emotional recovery became possible. I’m still working on it, but at least finally, true healing has begun. The decision to add my voice to the many others was partly a way to continue my own healing process, but what helped me overcome my fear the most was the belief that my story could help someone else – I hope it can.
I’m so grateful for the opportunity to share my story and would encourage any woman that has been through betrayal trauma to find a way, when she is ready, to stand up and add her voice and strength to others who have spoken up. The more we shine a light on the issues of emotional abuse and betrayal trauma in intimate relationships, the sooner more women can find their way out and through.
A special note: In speaking out, I did my best to leave out identifying details about family members and others that were close to the situations described, however, I was also not trying to hide my identity – for me, this is part of speaking my truth. Some of the interviewer’s questions brought out sensitive details of the story intended to provide context and clarity, not to cause any undue harm. If any part of my story causes anyone harm or pain, this was not my intent and I’m sorry. The entire experience has caused enormous suffering to everyone touched by it, and the sharing of my story is an attempt to foster healing and recovery, not to cause more pain.
chandralaframboise.com 