Girl, I know leaving is hard. And I also know why sometimes you just decide to stay. I was there. I wanted to leave, but I’d never had a broken bone or a bruise because of my husband’s emotional and psychological abuse (gaslighting, lying and manipulating me and others while he carried on a deeply harmful secret sexual life of betrayal). No one would have understood if I left, I would have been blamed…he was Mr. Charisma, and I was quiet, a bit angry, confused, freaked out, anxious. I would have looked like the source of the marriage failure. Everyone thought he was a great guy. There was a lot of pressure from family and our faith community to make things work, and sadly, much of the social scripting about whose RESPONSIBILITY it is to keep a family together falls on the woman, even when her partner clearly has issues that she has nothing to do with. I didn’t have any proof of domestic abuse, or his infidelities – it’s hard to come up with proof when there are no bruises or clear evidence of affairs and sexual acting out.
Plus, when I first started thinking about leaving, I was pregnant with baby number 4, it had been 5 years since I had graduated university and I had stayed at home with our kids since graduation (so, no work experience). How would I survive financially? I knew by then my husband would cut me off financially, he was bad with money and dishonest. I didn’t have family to fall back on either. There would be no financial support or help available for me to help me get on my feet. At least none that I was aware of.
I didn’t think of going to a shelter or reaching out for community resources because I didn’t realize I was being emotionally and psychologically abused and even if I did know, I thought shelters were only for the “battered” woman (those who had the bruises, broken bones and police reports).
Lack of education, loss of self-confidence (all too common in victims of abuse), no financial resources or work experience, new baby on the way…I decided to stay where I was.
Every situation of domestic abuse is unique. The financial resources available to women, their husband/partner’s particular brand of abuse (including fear of retaliation if they leave), children/no children (fear of impact on children), working/stay-at-home (lack of education, employment opportunities), available family support, availability of community support – these are some factors affecting a decision to stay or go.
One thing we should never ever do is judge women who choose to stay, who are not ready to leave. I heard an interview with a woman who had endured years of psychological and emotion abuse, sexual acting out and betrayal by her partner. Her story was the kind anyone would have asked, “why are you still with him?” She explained how her husband had given her good reason to believe that if he was ever left alone with their children, the children could also be in harm’s way. And, her reason for staying – first to keep a close eye on their children when they were around her husband, then to keep a close eye on their grandchildren – I understood, and my heart went out to her. How exhausting it must have been to raise children with someone and feel like you could never leave them alone with him. Since hearing that story, I don’t question why a woman doesn’t leave, or her timing, if she does…it’s a personal journey and a decision no one can make for you.
Recently, in a private Facebook group for betrayed/abused women, I saw one woman make the comment in response to a post by another woman, that the option of leaving was only for the “privileged”. I can understand someone making a comment like that because definitely, one of the biggest barriers to women getting out of abusive situations is lack of resources (especially financial) and there’s no doubt that some segments and members of our society have more financial resources than others. (According to Anne Blythe of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, http://btr.org, “the number one reason women don’t leave abusive relationships is because they don’t know they’re in one”. This was certainly true for me.)
The problem I have with perpetuating the idea among women experiencing domestic abuse, that leaving is only possible for the “privileged”, is that it joins the abusers in creating stuck thinking about the situation. Men exerting coercive control over their partner want her to feel like she can’t get out. PLEASE, don’t give abused women more reasons to feel like the obstacles are overwhelming by labeling the way out as only available to the privileged few. At some point, if a woman wants to leave badly enough, she will, and no lack of resources will stand in her way. It’s called MOTIVATIONAL DISSATISFACTION. It’s a difficult and scary experience to leave an abuser, sometimes fraught with severe challenges that can follow us for YEARS, but if someone wants out bad enough and plans and prepares, learns about the resources available, calls the hotlines, reaches out for support in a safe manner, I like to believe that ANYONE can make it out.
Compared to some, I could have been considered “privileged”, but I still thought I couldn’t leave. Privilege is relative. I was privileged in one way because I happened to have completed a university degree in mechanical engineering – a lucky thing considering I’d had my first child in the middle of getting my degree and found the challenge to complete it overwhelming (I nearly quit). But, I had very little, if any, financial support or help available from family. My perceived lack of resources when I was pregnant with my fourth child and fears about how I would get a job and work with a new baby on the way made it hard for me to see a way out, but if I had wanted to leave badly enough, I know now, looking back on what I’ve had to do to survive my first husband eventually abandoning me and our four children, then later escaping a second abusive marriage, I realize, I could have made it work – I could have found a way.
So, ladies, let’s build each other up in our self-confidence. In our self-esteem. In what we know we deserve and what is possible. Let’s encourage each other in our Shero-hood – we are powerful, strong, and beautiful and capable of doing hard things to survive. Just look at all we’ve been through. Let’s try to avoid placing restrictive ideas and attitudes around a situation that for many, many women is already tough to navigate and figure out. Privilege is not a pre-requisite to your emancipation. You can do it, no matter what you have going for you (or not going for you). Take courage, dear heart.
chandralaframboise.com 